I looked up at my life the other day and wondered how I got where I am. I was busy working--and boy, was I working!--while also fretting about making sure the dog got his walk and dinner got made...and I found myself thinking, "gosh, the house needs cleaning in a major way!" And I felt very alone, like these worries were all mine, as though if I didn't worry about these things and do something about them, they'd never get taken care of.
I'm not sure when it became my job to take on all of these worries myself. This isn't a case of me discovering I am trapped in an oppressive sexist marriage. It's really psychological--I feel that I am the only one who CAN worry about these things, who CAN take care of them. I am weighed down by these weird gender expectations, and the only person I have to blame is myself!
I thought my generation was supposed to be free of all this gender baggage. Our men would be free of it too, and because of this lightened load, we, as women, would be able to pursue our dreams and ambitions without impediment.
Hah! What a load of hooey.
As a woman, I think I struggle more than my mother did. My mother threw her hands up and said, "Screw it! I'm going to do what people think I shouldn't, and propriety be damned!" It must have felt very freeing to her, to be able to accept that she was on a different path. I don't think my generation has the same opportunities to be unburdened. Today, it's not only acceptable, it's expected that we will "have it all"--the great career AND the equitable marriage AND the nice home AND AND AND.
Having it all, though, is harder than it looks. Not because it's not possible--I firmly believe that it is--but because we hinder ourselves from either enjoying it or getting it all. We guilt ourselves into thinking we don't deserve it all. We convince ourselves we have to give certain things up to get it all. We put off starting our families until we already have it all, so we don't feel as guilty about being working moms, or about taking maternity leave too early (and looking bad to management for taking maternity leave too early).
These are the wrong worries! We do deserve it all, and we don't have to give up the important things to have it all. And having it all doesn't mean the same thing to every woman--and it almost definitely doesn't mean the same thing to women as men.
I'm not sure when it became my job to take on all of these worries myself. This isn't a case of me discovering I am trapped in an oppressive sexist marriage. It's really psychological--I feel that I am the only one who CAN worry about these things, who CAN take care of them. I am weighed down by these weird gender expectations, and the only person I have to blame is myself!
I thought my generation was supposed to be free of all this gender baggage. Our men would be free of it too, and because of this lightened load, we, as women, would be able to pursue our dreams and ambitions without impediment.
Hah! What a load of hooey.
As a woman, I think I struggle more than my mother did. My mother threw her hands up and said, "Screw it! I'm going to do what people think I shouldn't, and propriety be damned!" It must have felt very freeing to her, to be able to accept that she was on a different path. I don't think my generation has the same opportunities to be unburdened. Today, it's not only acceptable, it's expected that we will "have it all"--the great career AND the equitable marriage AND the nice home AND AND AND.
Having it all, though, is harder than it looks. Not because it's not possible--I firmly believe that it is--but because we hinder ourselves from either enjoying it or getting it all. We guilt ourselves into thinking we don't deserve it all. We convince ourselves we have to give certain things up to get it all. We put off starting our families until we already have it all, so we don't feel as guilty about being working moms, or about taking maternity leave too early (and looking bad to management for taking maternity leave too early).
These are the wrong worries! We do deserve it all, and we don't have to give up the important things to have it all. And having it all doesn't mean the same thing to every woman--and it almost definitely doesn't mean the same thing to women as men.
posted by divine angst at 6:02 AM
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